Having a baby has been the hardest thing Iʻve ever done. Not only physically (Iʻll share my hānau story soon), but also mentally and emotionally. I feel like Iʻve been on this rollercoaster with highs, lows and sharp turns that thrill me but also toss me around a bit. Then I remember that I stood in line for this ride, anticipating my turn and now that Iʻm on it, Iʻm wondering when it will slow back down. I mean to start, there is no more being selfish with myself. Everything is about my baby and my family. Is she hungry? Is she tired? Does she need to be changed? Is that a fever? Am I providing enough activities to help with her development? Is she healthy? Do I have enough to cover this monthʻs bills? Whatʻs for dinner? And for someone who LOVES to cook that last question has proved to be tougher than ever nowadays.
I think about her all the time. Even when she goes down for a nap, Iʻm not napping. Even before I start answering emails or cleaning my house, Iʻm thinking about her next feed or preparing to pump so that I can store milk for my next big event or show or interview or God-willing a hair/nail appointment. I eat my lactation cookies (Kaimade) and drink my lactation tea religiously now to ensure Iʻm producing enough milk. My doula says the stress of the past busy months can have an affect on my supply so Iʻm just trying to get everything regulated again. I try to eat breakfast and remember to take my prenatals. Iʻve never been a breakfast person but if I donʻt eat then I worry I wonʻt produce the nurishment she needs. Sometimes I just wanna roll out of bed, have a LARGE coffee, and check my emails. But everything has changed, in so many positive ways and I love it. But Iʻm still adjusting to this life. My new family is still adjusting to this life. Iʻm a work-from-home-and-everywhere-else mamabird just trying to figure this new life out.
Iʻll admit itʻs been a lot busier these past 4 months than I originally intended. I wonder if maybe I went back to work a bit too soon. But as an independent music artist and self-employed woman, I am my own boss. Noone tells me when to wake up or get work done. At times it can be overwhelming. But I know that if I donʻt keep up with it, then I will lose out on opportunities that will benefit my ʻohana. If I do not follow up, noone else will. I am building my team to alleviate some of the work load but I still have to devote a lot of my time to running my 3 companies. Plus we live over an hour from town, so when I do have to go there itʻs usually a half to full day of meetings & errands. And for now, she comes with me to all of it. I try to balance the week by scheduling days at home for baby girl to chill in between.
I love to share about the fun side of having my own family and although we can be beautiful, we are not perfect. I grew up in a far from perfect home, so my greatest hope is that my daughter will not grow up exposed to the same things that I did. I want to provide a better life for her while still fulfilling my own goals. I feel like this goal is shared amongst so many mamas. Failure to do so being one of our greatest fears. Maybe I overcompensate at times. Try too hard. To please everyone around me. But Iʻm still learning how to balance it all and be the best mom I can for her. Iʻm learning how to say no more often. To be ok with FOMO. Because she is my greatest joy. Do you ever feel this way?